Random Bits 10
by Nashiil
Summary: FINAL CHAPTER UP! It's the new Guado leader's birthday, and Yuna is invited! Unfortunately so are her Guardians. How will a group of island bumpkins who don't know the difference between a dinner fork and a salad fork do at a highclass soiree?
1. Chapter 1

It's amazing how inspiration hits when you have your own computer. This has to be the shortest time between postings that I have been able to do in a long time. Thanks to all of you who reviewed RB9, and all of the rest of the series! happy Nashiil**

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**Random Bits 10**

Setting: A royal birthday party in Guadosalam demands the presence of Spira's famous Summoner. With Guardians in tow, Yuna heads for the palace.

**Guadosalam **- Mansion Entrance - After a long ride on a shoopuff (and several mishaps involving the words 'Hey, Yuna look what I can do!') Yuna and her entourage have been ushered inside.

Auron was just about ready to tear his hair out as he listened to Rikku explaining Customization to Tidus for the third time. He rolled his eye as the Al Bhed girl finally gave up and began exploring the place like she had never seen it before.

Wakka was staring intently at the portraits lining the stair cases in the hopes that if he stared at them hard enough, a three dimensional image would 'pop' out. Tidus joined him shortly. Lulu shook her head and glared up at the ceiling, lips moving in what could have been a prayer, but was probably a Curse (since prayers don't usually include words like 'die' , 'horrible', 'death', or 'extreme pain').

Tromell swept into the room moments later and ushered the party into a long corridor. Yuna tried to make polite conversation as she followed their host through the maze of hallways. That's right, hallways. Every good palace has them. You know what they look like: Each one decorated in the exact same manner as the others. Their sole function is to stump, amaze, and overwhelm guests. They also have the added bonus of confusing, exasperating, and completely robbing fleeing enemies (or guests) of any sense of direction. Like those mirror mazes in fun houses, but we'll just leave that one alone for now.

Lulu frowned at Rikku as she stole a Potion from a niche in one wall as she passed. The blond girl smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, force of habit." she replied and added the classic Whipped Puppy look, but was countered by the equally classic And I'm A (insert preferred animal, mineral, vegetable, or astrological reference). Steeping in guilt, the Al Bhed girl fell back to walk by Tidus, her new Best Buddy. Wakka had been her Best Buddy once, but that was before he'd crashed the Celsius…twice.

The object of Rikku's scorn was currently walking next to Lulu and pointing excitedly at interesting objects with the enthusiasm of someone who lived on a small secluded island and didn't get out much. There was nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that this wasn't his first trip to Guadosalam. Lulu was taking it all in stride, which meant that she was readily pointing out items that Wakka had missed. The sarcasm was lost on him.

Tromell left the party sitting in a small waiting room while he went to announce their arrival and make sure that there was enough food to go around (you know, _politics._)

Tidus nudged Rikku and pointed at a figure that was slowly shuffling into the far end of the room. A quick game of Elbow Relay rippled through the group, skipping Kimahri (since Ronsos don't play well with others). The figure resolved itself into a sad, elderly Guado male dressed in the much charred remains of his clerk' robes. He was as bald as an egg, except for the lone hair that was smoldering atop his head. It gave him the overall appearance of a dejected Bomb.

The old Guado had the group's full attention as he advanced slowly, still crisping in places, and removed a pointed hat from a chair. Reaching up, he licked his thumb and pinched the flaming strand of hair. The flame died with a soggy hiss. With that done he gingerly placed the hat on his head, bowed to Yuna and her Guardians, and departed, leaving sooty footprints on the carpet and a lingering smell of fried spam.

"What happened to that poor Guado?" Yuna asked Tromell, who had entered in time to see the old clerk leave. She had been doing her best not to stare, since staring was rude (and therefore unbecoming of a Summoner. Her companions, however had no qualms about staring).

"Oh," Tromell replied with a dismissive wave, "That was just his Majesty's old clerk. He was just Fired."

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So, you want to know about the spam comment? Well, way back when I was in highschool (before we had iPods, VCast, and MP3's) a girl in my mythology class made the comment that "Of all the canned meats, Spam tastes the most like human flesh." Since none of us had ever tasted human flesh, we just took her word for it... 


	2. Chapter 2

Yay, I updated! I think this chapter is a little bit longer than the first. Atleast I hope it is... Anyway, Chapter 3 is ready (it just needs to be typed). It's kind of hard to make the chapters long enough when 1.) your hand is cramping, and 2.) school keeps getting in the way. Life would be so much better if we didn't have school (not that I want to give all you kids the wrong idea). Education is of the utmost importance in today's society (there, I've done my civic duty). Well, enjoy chapter 2!**

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Random Bits 10 - Chapter 2**

Setting: A royal birthday party in Guadosalam demands the presence of Spira's famous Summoner. With Guardians in tow, Yuna heads for the palace.

**Guadosalam - **Great Hall - After an uncomfortable wait in the anteroom, Yuna and her companions have been admitted (with a loud call of "Yuna, party of seven!") to the big to-do (and yes, there was enough food).

Yuna's group was ushered to the front of the Hall to meet the guest of honor (who's name shall be Bob because I'm not good at making up names) . A heavily decorated chair (which brought to mind the word 'busy') had been placed atop a small dais. Upon the chair, trying his best to sit in said chair without actually having to be associated with the monstrosity, was a young Guado male.

The new Guado leader was clad in the elaborate robes favored by the nobility (in other words you couldn't tell the men from the women). His moss green hair had that 'stick your finger in the light socket and go' style that was unique to his race.

Yuna performed the traditional blessing as she introduced herself and her Guardians. Delighted to be in the presence of the famous Summoner, Bob proceeded to ask Yuna about her adventures. It was kind of hard to understand him, since he spoke with a heavy Guado accent that made it sound like every word had been disemvowled (you won't find that one in the dictionary).

With their lord happily occupied for the moment, the other guests engaged in the only activity socially acceptable at parties: Mingling. In other words you were expected to 1). Wander around with a plate of tiny, bite-sized lumps of exotic foods on a cracker in one hand and a drink in the other (The technical term for these 'hors d'oeuvres ' , is 'delicacies' which is the code word for 'various parts of various animals that the butcher didn't know what to do with') 2). Try to eat aforementioned food without the aid of either hand, 3.) make awkward conversation with other minglers who couldn't give a flip (darn, Tinker's darn , pig's fart, you get the idea) about how your Great uncle Marvin made anchovies a big hit, and 4). Spill crumbs and drink on yourself as the more important minglers treat you as just another obstacle on the way to the buffet table.

Just because it's socially acceptable doesn't mean it's fun.

Kimahri lurked by the main doors and scanned the crowd for any threats. He had to do something to distract himself from the brightly colored streamers dangling overhead. People just didn't understand the problems big humanoid cats faced on a daily basis. They hung up interesting things like streamers, banners, flags, pennants, curtains, and the occasional feather, without a second thought as to how deeply the 'Bat At Dangling Objects' instinct was ingrained. It was Instinct for Yevon's sake! Humans were so inconsiderate.

Turning his attention to his plate, Kimahri took a moment to carefully sniff each item incase any of it was edible. The Ronso growled at a hapless dignitary who passed to close, in Kimahri's opinion, to his plate. The Guado in his panic, swallowed a small vegetable whole and quickly backed away, the trapped veggie bobbing in sync with is adam's apple. A mouth full of what are essentially daggers tends to have that effect on people. Grunting in satisfaction, the blue Ronso snapped up a piece of cheese with his sharp teeth. He happened to glance up and saw that Yuna was looking in his direction with a horrified expression. Freezing, the cheese trapped in his teeth, his brain did a Flight of the Bumble Bee search (complete with orchestral accompaniment. Try saying that three times fast.) for the reason behind the look he was getting.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a huddle of brain cells screamed in triumph "_etiquette_!" Kimahri quickly spat the morsel back onto his plate, then used his fingers to delicately pick it up (with pinky extended) and take a small, gentlemanly bite out of it.

Across the room Yuna stopped her head in mid-shake and decided that there was just no use in correcting him. When you are a seven foot tall humanoid capable of eviscerating a shoopuff with your bare hands, you can pretty much eat however you please. Yuna gave him a big smile and a nod of encouragement, then turned her attention back to Bob as her hairy Guardian finished his plate with one swipe of his massive hand and then fastidiously cleaned the crumbs from his whiskers.

With Yuna's approval Kimahri relaxed a little and returned to his inspection of the guests. This exercise was very boring and the Ronso soon found himself batting at the large leaves of the plant beside him. If you take a moment to look closely at it, you will notice that it is slightly wilted (a result of possible food poisoning from the exotic foods that have been dumped into it's pot). But that has nothing to do with the plot in any way. It was just an observation.

Needing a distraction, Kimahri focused on Tidus, who was always doing something foolish.

At the moment Tidus was calmly joining the line for the buffet, chatting politely with the some of the other guests and generally behaving himself. He was doing a good job of this because Lulu had promised that Bad Things would happen to him if he didn't. Lulu never Threatened since threats were just what _might_ happen _if_ they catch you, whereas a promise is what _will_ happen, _regardless_.

Tidus made an effort to make very small talk, since he found it difficult to talk about anything unless it met certain criteria. Which meant that it had to be about a). how he was from the famous Zanarkand Abes, b). humorous bodily functions, or c). knockers. Since the talk centered around the lines of 'Hey, how's the food?' and 'So, how 'bout those Guado Glories?', Tidus was at a loss. He settled for playing fork hockey with the other guests as he tried to get the bits of food he wanted.

Plate filled, the boy found a place next to Wakka at a table in one corner. As Kimahri watched, a few crumbs were discreetly flicked between the two mountains of food. Wakka had constructed a little action figure out of a cherry and four pretzel sticks.

Cherry Man waded across a frozen Ice Cream Wasteland, ( stopping once for a leg replacement), through the Broccoli Forestand up to the Cheese Cracker Castle, where he was eaten by the dreaded Bananapretzelgrape Dragon.

Victorious, the Bananapretzelgrape Dragon thundered through the Ice Cream Wasteland, where it paused to leave some chocolate syrup dooings (Cherry Man gave Bananapretzelgrape Dragon the trots). It leaped the Melon Ball gates of the Cherry People's village, where it was killed by the sharp carrot spears of Cherry Man's tribe. The tribe lived off of Bananapretzelgrape Dragon for many months.

Rikku joined the two aspiring film-makers, handing each of them a paper noise maker. Kimahri's furry ears strained to hear as the three conspirators huddled together and held an intense, whispered conversation accompanied by gesturing and smothered giggles. Whatever they were planning, Kimahri thought, it was going to be one mother of a distraction.

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Hey, everybody join in as I sing 'Happy Birthday!' to Bob! Come on, I know you want to , it's Bob! You like Bob, right? Oh, and let's have a moment of silence for Cherry Man. What a way to go... 


	3. Chapter 3

Hey look, I've UPDATED!!! Sorry for the delay (I've had more than a few of those _surprises_ that Life likes to throw at you). Sorry if it's short (insert grovelling and scraping). Anyway, I hope you like this chapter.

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Title: Random Bits 10 - Chapter 3

Setting: A royal birthday party in Guadosalam demands the presence of Spira's famous Summoner. With Guardians in tow, Yuna heads for the palace.

**Guadosalam - **Great Hall - With the demise of Cherry Man (insert brief moment of silence) Rikku has just handed Tidus an opportunity for fun. Or, from Yuna's point of view, disaster.

Kimahri watched as Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku huddled together and made a few covert gestures before deciding on a final course of action. After giggling quietly amongst themselves the group adopted a casual air that, contrary to principles of reason, actually serves to draw more attention. This is called 'acting natural'.

While maintaining a mask of perpetual boredom, Tidus quickly snapped something off from the inside of two noise makers. One was then inserted into each nostril, and secured with a twisting motion. His accomplices watching with barely concealed anticipation as Tidus took a deep breath and paused for dramatic effect. As a natural born show-off, Tidus always took time to play to his audience, and a dramatic pause was always a good way to start off a show. With big grin, Tidus suddenly exhaled forcefully. The paper unfurled with a snap and the noise makers shot out of the boy's nose with a quiet _whoosh_ and rocketed off into the crowd.

Kimahri chuffed to himself as one of the party favors crashed n the soup and was sucked into it's depths with a sad _gloop _and a few viscous bubblesOver at the tables there was a sudden outbreak of bronchial irritation as the miscreants snorted and snuffled into their hands. They began searching for a second pair of squeakers for another go, then decided that the fresh fruit table would be more entertaining.

Rikku clapped her hands tightly over her mouth to prevent the inevitable giggle from escaping as Wakka and Tidus shoved melons down their shirts and strutted back and forth suggestively without drawing any unwanted attention (namely everyone else in the hall).

Lulu was standing next to Yuna and politely pretending to be interested in the arranged entertainment which consisted of a rousing song of "Felicitous Celebrations of the Day You Sprang from Your Mother's Loins" (a nice ethnic song that just doesn't translate well, and resulted in the non-native guests going _ner,ner,ner_). A traditional Fool was next, followed by Clasko's Amazing Singing Chocobos.

The chocobo version of "Happy Birthday" (which was untranslatable) was well into the first verse, when Lulu noticed that the young Guado leader was paying attention not to the birds, but to a point somewhere in the background. The boy had that constipated look of someone trying not to laugh as he focused on a quiet commotion going on at the buffet tables.

Lulu followed his line of sight, fearing for what she might see. It was much worse than she had imagined. She knew that Yuna had spotted the commotion as well. It was the look of utter horror on her face that gave it away. The poor girl looked close to tears (from embarassment, shock, or more probably good old fashioned anger. Some one was going to be in deep doo-doo.) Yuna gave her friend a beseeching look that screamed '_do_ something!' Since magic in an enclosed space full of people was out of the question (no matter how tempted she was) the Black Mage caught Auron's eye and deliberately scratched her cheek.

The Legendary Guardian recognized the code for 'Stupidity in Progress". He swept the room with his eye, causing a 'flinch' version of 'the Wave'. After pinpointing the source of the disturbance, Auron set off through the crowd.

Tidus was trying to teach the red-haired captain how to do the girlie walk (which he did disturbingly well). "Er,…there must be something in the water." Tidus squeaked lamely as a Guado female gave them an appalled scowl. Wakka cleared his throat in embarrassment and added "You should really try the strawberries." (It always happens. Get caught doing something stupid, and you end up trying to make it less embarrassing by saying something even more stupid).

"The melon isn't bad either," Tidus chattered nervously, pulling one of the melons out of his shirt and offering it to the revolted Guado, who left abruptly with a disgusted sputter. Being foreign is no excuse for being stupid. Rikku snorted as soon as the Guado was out of earshot, and slapped her Best Buddy on the arm. As the young blitz ball star was placing the melon back in his shirt, a Double Hand of Justice descended like a lightning bolt and knocked both melons to the floor. It simultaneously smashed the two in Wakka's overalls . One of the melons crashed into the middle of the pretzel stick village of the Cherry People. There were no survivors.

Auron grabbed the Sinspawn by the shirt collar and the islander by the hair (his teletubby-like do made and excellent handle) as they tried to make a run for it. The Warrior Monk would have grabbed the Al Bhed girl too, but he only had two hands, and she was giving him that teary-eyed, trembling lip look that said "You aren't really mad at _me_, are you?" Also, girls had sole command of several simple and very powerful words that can cause disastrous trouble for any guy (and include words like Help!, Pervert!, Rape!, and in extreme cases Fire!). Settling for putting Rikku in charge of cleaning up the decimated remains of Tidus' and Wakka's imaginations, Auron hustled the two trouble makers outside.

"What about that one?" asked Tidus, pointing to a brown-haired female.

"No." Auron replied firmly as he tried to ignore the boy. He had removed Wakka and his counterpart from the party, and taken them out into Guadosalam, where they hopefully wouldn't cause trouble. It had worked for five minutes until Tidus had become bored and decided to play matchmaker for Auron. Wakka on the other hand, was happily engaged in a blitz ball centered conversation with several players from the Guado Glories. He was having no trouble communicating despite the language barrier, since 'Jock' was a universally spoken language.

"Come on," Tidus wheedled from his seat on the railing overlooking the mansion doors. "It's about time you found a cute girl, settled down, and started making little Aurons."

The Legendary Guardian gave his younger companion a scathing glare that could have set Satan on fire. It was the most inept thing that had ever come out of the little Jechtspawn's mouth. On Auron's Road of Life, a new monument was up, and the words were already halfway chiseled onto it's face.

"Don't make that face," Tidus continued with a cheeky grin. "I mean, you're old, but you aren't dead." That was the second stupidest. The first monument was instantly abandoned, it's testament left unfinished as a second, even larger monolith was hastily erected beside it. Auron sure as the Farplane was dead! What did he think, that the term Unsent was some kind of honorary title? You didn't just wake up one day and decide you wanted to be 'Sir Reginald Spont - Unsent'.

And kids were only cute as long as they weren't yours and you didn't have to take them home with you at the end of the day.

"What about _that_ one?" Tidus whispered, directing Auron's attention to another female as she swept by. Auron stifled and agonized groan. This female was Spira's equivalent of Dolly Pardon.( it's only funny haha if you know who she is.)

"**No**." The older Guardian said slowly, being sure to enunciate clearly, in a tone that brooked no argument. Tidus surveyed the view critically for a moment before replying in a deceptively agreeable tone.

" Yeah. I guess she's not such a good choice." Auron looked at the boy warily. That had been way to easy. Tidus was not well known for agreeing with Auron. A moment later, the young man said "She's not curvy enough." It took Auron's mind a moment to recover from the mental blast of sheer idiocy. He turned slowly to regard the boy with an eye like a gimlet. What was wrong with him? If women were roads, that one would have been a switchback. Maybe he really had come back from getting too close to Sin with a bad case of 'retardism'. Maybe it ran in the family. Yevon knows Jecht had had more than a touch of 'tard in him.

Fed up with the chronic stupidity, Auron decided that it was time to address the problem. Being a religious man, Auron was a supporter of the teaching that 'A son shall not be punished for his father's sin'. So, with that in mind, the Unsent Guardian left Tidus sitting on the railing, and strode purposefully off to the Farplane.

Tidus glanced around, realizing that he was suddenly alone. Where Auron had gone was a mystery. He did what any teen would do when left suddenly unsupervised: he went back to the stuffy party to liven things up.

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Everybody gets a free paper squeaker, and a piece of cheese on a stick! Have some melon if you want it, but I'm having spam! 


	4. Chapter 4

Well the last chapter of RB 10 is up! I want to thank everyone who offered their moral support and patience. I really do appreciate it!! Thank You!

I apologize if this one is not up to par, but things have been tough lately (which are better explained in my Profile) and that makes it hard to write.

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Title: Random Bits 10 - Chapter 4 

Setting: A royal birthday party in Guadosalam demands the presence of Spira's famous Summoner. With Guardians in tow, Yuna heads for the palace.

**Guadosalam - Great Hall - **Auron has gone off on his own to cool down, leaving Tidus to continue his reign of terror.

With Auron out of the picture Tidus was free of the threat of the Hand of Justice. Elated, the boy strolled back into the mansion. After wandering around for about fifteen minutes the young man came to the realization that he was well and truly lost. Oh, and he had to pee (urinate, take a whiz, walk the dog, take a leak, tap a kidney, … take your pick, I got more. They're much more descriptive than that other word).

Thinking quickly Tidus made good use of one of the many ornamental vases . Two minutes later (yeah, ten cups of punch will do that to you) he was several pounds lighter but still no closer to finding the Great Hall. With a quick glance around Tidus paused to do his Lucky Dance, which looked like a disjointed version of the Macarena done by a monkey with a bad case of IBC (that would be Itchy Butt Crack, if you're having trouble deciphering that one).

Auron hated that dance. He hated it almost as much as Tidus' annoying habit of referring to the Al Bhed Item shops and Travel Agencies as 'Rinn' Shops and 'Rinn' Inns, respectively. The accursed dance was done before battles, during battles, before games, and at random moments when the situation called for an extra bit of Luck.

There are people who would argue that there is no such thing as luck, but Auron knew better. The Lucky Dance worked every single time (only because the dance looks so ridiculous, that even Yu Yevon is embarrassed for Tidus, and takes pity on him).

With the ritual complete, Tidus quickly found his way back to the Hall. He had spun in a circle, and walked down the first hallway he's seen, and Lo and Behold, there were the doors to the Great Hall! Yevon could only handle so many Lucky Dances. There's one in every race and culture, with variations among individuals. You may have been unfortunate enough to see a friend or relative perform one.

Deprived of his only source of distraction, Kimahri was rapidly becoming bored and fidgety (feline patience only extended so far. It had it's limit, and it happened to be long boring parties). Stifling a yawn with one massive paw, the laconic Ronso wondered where the little blond human and Wakka had gone. To take his mind off the streamer-festooned ceiling, he Scanned the crowd.

Auron was still absent, Yuna was safely talking to the birthday boy, and Lulu was standing off to one side with a wooden expression that meant she was quite irritated. She was generating a powerful repulsion field, if the five foot radius of empty space around her was anything to go by. A few of the hardier souls attempted to engage her in witty conversation, only to be rebuffed by a powerful force field of contempt for all things aristocratic. Oh, and most of the party goers were in the twenties level -wise, in case you were wondering, and no threat to Yuna.

Wakka slipped in moments later and waded into the crowd, looking for Rikku. It was hard to see anything around or over the Guado-style hair do's (that is one race you don't want to end up sitting behind at the movies). Lost in the forest of bodies, instinct took over, and Wakka resorted to the age-old method of calling together the scattered pack. Pushing through the crowd, Wakka's progress was punctuated by loud cries of "Rikku! Coo-ee!", and "Pardon me, ma'am, er, sir." This technique is very effective and mostly used by chickens.

Across the room, Rikku tried to hide, and Lulu tried to set the red haired man ablaze by sheer force of will. Luckily, (from Wakka's point of view) he bumped into Tidus, who had just returned from doing whatever is was he'd been doing. Lulu didn't speculate too deeply about this. She was fairly certain that she really didn't want to know what Tidus did by himself.

Reunited with a member of the pack, both guys pushed through the crowd, calling for Rikku, and garnering strange looks from the other guests, who just didn't understand the effectiveness of the 'coo-ee'.

Spotting the small blonde girl, Tidus lead the charge with a whoop. There was a short moment of celebratory dancing (I.e. hopping in a circle while clinging together and squealing) as the pack was reunited. The Celebratory Dance was fourth on Auron's 'Things I Hate Most' list, right above the Victory Jig, and the phrase 'Hey, look what I can do!' ('Knockers!' was at the top of the list, if you haven't guessed).

Yuna did a sterling job of pretending that she didn't know 'those people'. As far as anyone knew, she had come by herself to the party.

"So, what do we do now?" Wakka inquired as he slouched at the table. Tidus shrugged. He had lots of ideas for fun activities, but he had just caught the look Lulu was giving him. It was down right hostile.

"We could get more food," Rikku suggested, eyeing the heaping plates the servants were just putting out. Guado knew how to throw a party. There were appetizers, entertainment, then dinner followed by dessert. Wakka and Tidus both made faces as their digestive tracts screamed "NO MORE!" The heavy set captain was an opportunist when it came to food, but even he had limits. Besides, the plates were handed out with all the cutlery you would need to consume it, and there were at least three forks. Wakka was a follower of the bumpkin cutlery religion, which stated: One Fork For All. He was devout in his faith, and many times humbled himself by not using a fork at all.

"Well, there's nothing else to do." Rikku pouted quietly so as not to offend their hosts. Inspiration struck Tidus as he shoved his hands in his pockets to pout too. His hands brushed several tubular objects, and his eyes lit up. He said brightly "I've got crayons,"

Moments later, Tidus and Rikku were sitting at a table and doodling on napkins. Wakka sat close by, not willing to participate in such a childish activity, but he was eyeing the colorful sticks wistfully. Some of the more curious Guado circled the table, quietly watching without trying to look too interested. Most of them drifted away, not understanding the whole 'coloring thing' (which, by the way, is secretly the key to world peace).

Finishing his picture, Tidus leapt up and practically skipped up to Yuna. "Look what I drew!" he chirped, holding up a napkin with a badly drawn scene of Evrae eating a small humanoid vaguely resembling a High Priest, for the Summoner's inspection.

"Um, it's very nice…" Yuna replied, at a loss for words. Bob said something to Tidus, which turned out to be "What is it you used to make that picture?" once the brain filled in the missing vowels.

"Oh, crayons," Tidus replied, holding up a fistful of the colored wax sticks. Bob made a thoughtful sound, and eyed the crayons with an unreadable look. A blast of music made all three of them jump as the musicians in the corner announced that it was time for the dancing portion of the party to begin. Stuffing the badly drawn picture (which had a few stains from a quick snack on it) into Yuna's unresisting hands, Tidus dashed off into the crowd with no thought to the fact that he was being very rude to the guest of honor.

The Guado had never seen anyone dance like Yuna's Guardians did. There was no one set style. Rikku was off in one corner doing the Funky Chocobo while Wakka did the Hurry. Kimahri felt a little left out as he noticed that all his fellow Guardians were having a good time dancing. They were certainly drawing a lot of attention. Tidus had a crowd around him as he bobbed and flipped. Kimahri craned to see over the tops of the various hair do's. Could it be? Yes! The Cactaur Dance.

The Cactuar Dance had become almost as popular with Tidus as the Lucky Dance. While it was cute when Cactuars did it, it was utterly ridiculous when attempted by a human. It should have been physically impossible, but Tidus, not one to play by the rules of gravity and the physical limits of the human body, had mastered it. At the moment he was jumping and flipping like a giant mutated cactus and had drawn quite a crowd.

Kimahri snorted and decided to treat the Guado to an authentic Ronso Tribal Dance, so their hosts wouldn't think that all of Yuna's Guardians were uneducated misfits. He broke into the traditional victory dance which was symbolic of the victors stomping the broken, decapitated bodies of their enemies while tossing and waving their bloody heads in the air. This dance consisted of as little coordination as possible, lots of jumping and twirling (which if had not been created by a race of massive predatory cats would have led to immediate emasculation of any male participating) and an ability to swing the arms around the head like a chimpanzee with dislocated shoulders and elbows.

Yuna smiled brightly and pretended not to notice either of them. It was going pretty well until the young Guado leader asked her what that marvelous dance was that Tidus was doing (the actual question sounded like: _wht s tht mrvls dnc yr frnd s dng?_).

"That's the Cactaur Dance, your Highness." Yuna replied helplessly. There was no way out. Why lie? She watched numbly as Tidus was summoned to the gaudy throne and asked for a public performance of his dance.

In a distant corner of the Farplane Auron ducked under the low hanging branch of a large tree and waited patiently as pyre-flies massed a few feet away. Until his death, waiting patiently had been a tenuously explored concept to Auron. Seeing as how Unsent existence consists solely of waiting patiently for centuries on end for someone to come along and discover the reasons for their inability to find rest, (i.e. unresolved issues involving stolen lovers, secrets, money, magical and arcane talismans, telling birthmarks, and the untimely and convenient deaths of the next heir up for the coveted inheritance involving ambitious or impatient relatives) the Legendary Guardian had had plenty of time to become familiar with the term.

Auron sighed as the pyre-flies thickened and began spiraling away from the main body to form the beginnings of a small dust devil. Beside him Braska appeared with an un-dramatic gathering of pyre-flies.

"Does he have to make a show out of everything?" Auron grumbled.

"Let him have his fun." Braska replied, then dropped his voice to a whisper and said in a conspiratorial tone, "He's been starved for attention. Apparently not even Seymour can tolerate more than two days of being in his presence, especially after he tried following him home." Apparently the purpose of the Farplane is eternal rest and the chance to be reunited with loved ones, not to watch the antics of a former Blitzball jock.

The Unsent warrior grunted and scanned the distant landscape, noting the small pockets of interacting pyre-flies. There didn't seem to be much activity around Jecht's tree. In fact the area around Jecht appeared to be a strict No Fly Zone for other inhabitants.

"You should know that Yuna has really grown in confidence and has really been sticking up for herself. She's a remarkable High Summoner," Auron commented as the minutes ticked by, Jecht having entered the coruscating lights and glitter stage. "Despite the fact that the love of her life is the one person immune to all known types of ADHD medication has and the common sense of a helminth with an appetite to match."

"So!" Jecht crowed, having finally formed himself, "You finally deciding to join the rest of us here?" then continued rapidly before Auron could reply to the first question, "You know the old High Priest, the one that locked me up the day I got to Spira…." Auron took a step back in the barrage of words firing out of the man's mouth. It was like he was trying to get everything out at once, or before who ever he was talking to could get away.

"Anyway, he was as asking about you the other day. 'wanted to know if you would still be willing to marry his daughter. He was on his knees begging in fact."

"**No**!" Auron nearly shouted, as much to refuse as to get a word in before the next flood of conversation. "I just came to discuss your spawn…I mean son." Beside him Braska had a brief bout of bronchial irritation. Probably allergies.

"Famous? With his own crowd of yes-women and adoring female fans?"

"No. So far he has an anti-fan club at St. Bevelle, makes a chocobo's rear of himself and ruins Yuna's reputation. Right now he is at the new Guado leader's birthday celebration making nose rockets, where any minute now I am expecting him to moon the entire gathering.

"That's my boy!" Jecht hooted, enthusiastically raising a hand for a high-five. Auron focused a cyclopean gaze on the offending appendage and glowered. Braska turned his back, shoulders shaking while Jecht waited unabashed for his high-five.

"I just remembered that I have something for you." Auron said in a disturbingly cheerful voice. "What? Is that the Lady Yunalesca bathing in the waterfall!" he exclaimed suddenly, Jecht whirling around and standing tiptoe for a better view. Braska looked at the Unsent Guardian with his head on one side as the man loosened a boot.

"Its something I've been meaning to give you for _years_."

"Well," Yuna said, slightly bemused as their new friend Bob waved them off at the entrance to Guadosalam. "That went slightly better than expected."

"Are you kidding Yunie!" Rikku exclaimed, "He asked us to come back for his next birthday _and_ Boo-Boo just created the hottest new dance craze!"

"He did seem excited about that ridiculous little dance." Lulu mused aloud as they stopped a little ways away from the Shoopuff ferry to wait for Auron to catch up.

"Excited?" Wakka sputtered, "He declared it the Official Royal Dance of the year and commanded all of his nobles to learn it before the next party."

"Yeah, he even graciously pardoned Kimahri for pouncing on that Guado lady. You know, the one that had the ginormous feathers waving off the back of her dress?"

Kimahri flattened his ears and hissed at Tidus as the boy reminded everybody of his shame. He took a half-hearted swipe at him as he staggered past him, arms laden with fruit and goodie bags.

"Bah! Don't worry about it brudda, " Wakka said, stepping up on a fallen branch to throw a companionable arm across the crestfallen Ronso's middle back. "You can't fight instinct." Kimahri bared his fangs at him and stalked to the opposite end of the branch where he promptly stomped on the exposed end.

Auron whistled to himself as he swaggered up the path to rejoin his companions. He was in such a good mood that the laughed aloud when Wakka sailed through the air and landed on Tidus, who had been contentedly exploring the contents of the goodie bags.

"Some one's in a good mood." Lulu commented as Auron stepped around the crash site from the failed launch of the _Island Jock_. And like all crash sites it was littered with crushed and pulpy remains.

"Its amazing how visiting old friends can really lift your spirits." the older Guardian replied, as his companions fell into step behind him and they joined the line for the ferry.

"Oh, Sir Auron," Yuna said, after a few moments of silence, "You seem to be missing a boot."

"Its not missing." he replied, glancing down at his foot with a smile, "Its where I've always wanted to put it."

"And where's that?" Tidus asked, curiosity gnawing at him.

Auron turned and flashed the boy a bright smile and said,

"Ask your father the next time you see him. He may have managed to get a grip on it by then."

End.

* * *

Yes, the boot _is _where you think it is. And just so you know, SPAM is not made from human flesh, or the stuff swept off the butcher room floor. It is the meat that is not used in a pork shoulder cut (I took Meats Processing a few years back) and is perfectly good. 


End file.
